I got mail....

Not the kind of mail that you pull from your dripping wet mailbox, ya know, rain-soaked bills and stuff. Not the kind of mail that you get as you sit in your leather office chair with a strong cup of coffee with too much dessert creamer, no not that kind either. Not the kind of mail that distant relatives (that you never even talk to!) send you, claiming that if you don't forward this email to 200 people in the next 2 minutes, that you and all of your relatives will be struck down by the same bolt of lightning.........nope not that kind of mail.
The mail I received today was so powerful that I'm...I'm not sure that I can do it justice to you, internet, but I'll try.

*Disclaimer: For my photography friends....this may make you sick to your stomach......I almost vomited myself.

Brace yourself, you four people that read the blog, I'm starting from the beginning.
*clearing my throat*
It was dreary here today. N and I decided to take a dreary walk to a nearby park to check out the river levels because we are at flood stage right now with all the runoff.
I'll post a pic later. I took my new camera and camera bag......you know, just in case.
We walked down into the park and at the playground in the middle there were four kids around the age of 15. The were swearing, hitting the playground equipment with big sticks...acting naughty, you all know the kind. I'm walking with my brand new camera and lenses and I'm nervous....... I also have my 9 year old with me, don't forget that.
After we pass, my little boy asks me, "Mama, how OLD do you think those kids were?".
I answered, "Probably around 15-16 years old".
"Oh", he said.
I said, "I certainly hope that you don't act that disrespectful when you are 15 years old".
He said he would never do that. We talked about other things that kids that age should be doing, etc.
And we left it alone.
We were down in the park for about and hour and a half, checking out the river getting our feet soaking wet in the tall wet grass, taking pictures every chance that I got.
It was a blast.
We walked home without incident, walked in the back door with my camera around my neck and immediately I felt ill.
My camera bag! Not with me! Gone! Left at the park....left somewhere. Somewhere....WHERE????
Oh no.
I jumped in my car and sped down to the park...........nothing.
I came back and walked back down there and still nothing. I was almost to the place where N and I turned around and I saw the kids. I wasn't going to ask them but what could it hurt?
So I did. They denied seeing the bag and I started to walk away. The cute girl stopped and asked me if it was a huge sling bag and black, at this point I was seeing a light in her eyes. She took me right to it..............perfect condition, untouched. I hugged her for an embarrassingly long time and wished I had money on me to give them.
I cried all the way home and composed this blog entry in my head.

I learned today that there are good people out there, good kids out there.
This girl, that I was leery of.........her parents did something right! She knew the right thing to do!
I was encouraged, having my own problems with an aforementioned 9 year old lately.

How do I learn this?
How do I teach my own children this?
What's the secret?

My mindset has changed and it made me sob.........I mean uncontrollably .......for a long time. I was a mess by the time I hit the house AND I had the camera bag. My family was confused.
I tearfully explained what my message was.
I judged those poor kids today and I was wrong and that hurt me. I was not a nice person and bit me in the butt.
I am CHANGED.
I know that there are a lot of bad people out there but my lesson today was to see the good, not the bad.
The best part of the whole day....WAS NOT FINDING THE BAG.......it was when we (the kids and I), walked back to their 1987 Volvo, one kid said, "There's good energy flowing today". I've heard those words uttered before.....heck, I've even said them, but today? Today they touched me.....in an unspeakable way.
I'll never forget those words.........EVER.
I would trade my thousands of dollars worth of lenses in return for the lesson that I learned. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Peace out.
J.

Update on Gabby...

I've started to update this blog several times and deleted it because it just didn't feel right.

It's been one month yesterday since Gabby was flown to Spokane for treatment.
I can't believe, that while everything else in life has felt as if it was fast-forwarded (as life sometimes does), Gabby's journey and the baby steps that she is taking, seemed to slow to a snail's pace. How can it be that life is fast and slow at the same time?

Gabby is still in Spokane in Pediatric ICU. She had a twisted bowel which damaged part of her intestine and had to be removed. She's had 3 surgeries to try and correct this and get her digestive system to function. They have an incredibly difficult journey ahead of them. Please continue sending prayers and good thoughts to this sweet, sweet girl and the people that love her so much.
My own heart goes out to her mommy and daddy who haven't left her side in Spokane, the great people who are caring for her big brother Alden, here, so he can continue to attend school, and the incredible folks who are giving their time and hearts to creative ways to organize fundraisers and help any way they can. Angels, I tell ya. Angels.

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt


Jill

*Just a note: Please, if you need photos of Gabby for fundraising, don't print from the blog, the resolution is for web viewing and not print. I would be more than honored to contribute by providing you with a high resolution image on disk that you can print from.
Just call me, please:
406-253-1364
Thanks for respecting my art.
J.

Leaning.......

This is Gabby. Gabby is five years old and a friend of my own five year old dd.
Her mother is a friend of mine.
Gabby got sick in the middle of the night last night.
So sick that they had to fly her to Spokane for treatment.
She's still terribly ill and needs good thoughts and prayers sent her way for herself, her loving family and the people close to them.

It was slow day here as we all held our breath and our own five year old children a little bit closer.
Hug your babies a little longer tonight.

Thanks.

L,
J.

The trouble with Spring is..........

that it's too hard to stay inside and blog, I guess.
It was gorgeous here this last week but no worries, it snowed all day long today and now we're under a snow advisory.
Montana Spring.
It could continue like this for weeks. I have on several occasions seen blizzards in June. Daffodils with frostbite. Many sleeveless Easter dresses scrunched inside of snowsuits for the egghunt.
It comes to my attention that I haven't updated the blog lately.
By lately I mean since like, January or something like that.

"Not once?", I asked my patient brother.
"Nope, not one time", he said patiently.

Geez. Um, sorry.

I HAVE been taking pictures, however.
So I'll post some of my boring outdoor practice shots and continue on with the "Favorites" theme, because I have a lot of favorite things and I remember and discover new ones almost daily.

Favorite thing: Bokeh

Excuse me?

Yeah, bokeh.

An excerpt from Wikipedia:
"Bokeh characteristics may be quantified by examining the image's circle of confusion. In out-of-focus areas, each point of light becomes a disc. Depending how a lens is corrected for spherical aberration, the disc may be uniformly illuminated, brighter near the edge, or brighter near the center. Lenses that are poorly corrected for spherical aberration will show one kind of disc for out-of-focus points in front of the plane of focus, and a different kind for points behind. This may actually be desirable, as blur circles that are dimmer near the edges produce less-defined shapes which blend smoothly with the surrounding image. Lens manufacturers including Nikon, Canon, and Minolta make lenses designed with specific controls to change the rendering of the out-of-focus areas."

Bored yet Jake? Good.

Here's some photos taken with my 50mm lens at 1.4 or "wide open" which creates a shallow depth of field and beautiful, creamy bokeh.
Disclaimer.........I am not a professional bokeh maker. I am a practicing bokeh maker so these images aren't perfect but alas, bokeh is one of my favorite things so I must include it here:



and here....



and here...




There.
And for good measure, I'll throw one in of the girl.

Notice H's mouth on this shot. I don't know what she was jabbering about but IT IS INCESSANT lately. If she's not talking, she's singing (she knows every word to God Bless America but instead of "from the mountains to the prairies to the oceans white with foam" she says "from the mountains to the fairies to the oceans white with floam"..ohmygosh, it's FUNNY). If she's not singing she's whistling, which makes my Gma Betty giggle. I love it when my Gma Betty giggles, especially at my daughter. It warms me.
Here she is complete with muddy rain boots, striped tights and sidewalk chalk. Definitely some of my favorite things in here:



And one more bokeh shot of my baubles, lol, that sounds funny (got this idea from Toddlertoes on flickr and I just had to try it). Aren't they pretty?



Thanks for peeking in. I'll try to keep up a little better.
Love you brother.
J.

An engineer, an artist and the moon

*HICCUP*
Sorry......12 days late on this. I'm back.

Sometimes it seems like my favorite things that I see in my children are the things that I try so hard to find in myself.....like honesty (I'm a very honest person, don't get me wrong, but I love the realness of my kids....most of the time, lol) and playfulness and imagination.........and creativity.
Yeah....creativity. I've read books on the subject. A lot of books.
I'm not sure that you can learn to be creative from a book but I tried. I tried to tap into my own creative reservoir and let me tell you, it is quite a process.
To me it seems that those that are the most creative have nurtured their creativity from childhood.
Fed it when it was hungry, burped it and tossed out the waste. I think that if you haven't done this, then it gets buried and it's hard to drag it back up to the surface. I believe that you have to coax it out of hiding and learn how to trust it again.
While I've always been artistic, I have to admit that I buried my creativity in my twenties but dragged it back up when N was born and I'm still working on our relationship. It gives me what I need but I have to accept and use it.......that's the hard part.
So I've promised myself that I would teach my children to respect their creativity and I'll do my best to teach them how to nurture it.

N's creative thirst is quenched through Lego building. The kid has more Legos than you can imagine. He gets a set, builds the structure on the front of the box and then he lets the little engineer inside his head go to work. He will build hundreds of things out of that one box of Legos. Airplanes and lawnmowers and dunebuggies and submarines.....believe me......I see every single one of them as he shows them ALL off with pride.
Here he is in all his glory.
Love him.



Now H on the other hand, is more like me (girl thing?.... maybe). Give her a stack of blank paper and a medium and she's happy for hours.
She's been writing her name for years. I would find her name written on all sorts of things.......really anything that was flat and white like a canvas.........the refrigerator (a favorite), dishwasher, her dresser, the bathtub.......you get the um, picture.



The moon rattle.




H was born right before Christmas and it was R's idea to get her a sterling rattle for her very first Christmas (what do you get a newborn???). Obviously she was much too little to play with it for a few months but once she could hold onto it and put it in her mouth, it was one of her favorite things.
Constantly covered in baby drool, this rattle was thrown to the floor from the height of a highchair more times than I can count (you know the game I'm talking about!!).
It's been banged up, scratched up, spit up on, lost for a while and found again.
She loved it.
When I found it the other day and decided to polish it up, she walked in and asked, "Oooh, what IS that?". I explained what it was, how much she used to love it when she was a baby and we admired it for a moment. I explained that she couldn't take it to her room (aka The Pink Pit) and she put up a quite a stink. She didn't understand why she couldn't have it if it was hers and "Mommy, I PROMISE to take good care of it...I PROMISE!!!".
Sigh. I then told her that it WAS still hers but I was going to keep it until she got older and had babies of her own. I told her I would keep it safe for her until then.

She looked at me with those big blue eyes and said, "So when I have a baby girl, I can give her the moon?".

Yes, Hailey, you can give her the moon.
Love her.

But I was going to play with that, a different kind of journal and my favorite day of the week...

Is it only my house?!!??
Only my house that, on Sunday afternoon, when asked to put away their PILE of toys that has gathered, herded and multiplied all week in the living room, that they SCREECH...."But I was going to play with that!!!!" ?
Dude, it's been there since Monday afternoon! Do you think that I'm new to the scene?

How can they play with all of these things at the same time, huh?

Alright H, you CAN wear the sparkly shoes (see them, there in the pile?) while playing with the LeapPad....I'll give you that....but...seriously.

Sigh.
Anyways...
Alright, I'm putting myself out there with this post.

LOOK at the laundry...no, I haven't been sick. No, we haven't been on vacation. No, I don't wait until Sunday afternoon to do all of my laundry (I totally lie.).


Dear Friends:
Sometimes my house looks like this. Sometimes, a lot of times, my house looks like this.
Sometimes before you come over, I'll haul the overflowing laundry basket (s!) upstairs and shut it (them) in my closet.
L,
J.


BUT......


See what a little bribery and idle threats will get you?
Works for me.




A different kind of journal....






This is another special journal of mine...well, this is actually H's....well, it will be H's...someday.
Here's the story.
I am horrible at documenting my children's lives. I have gorgeous baby books that I had gorgeous plans for. N is almost 9 and I kept up with his book until he was a whopping 6 months old (about the same time that he started putting everything in his mouth, yeah, he was one of those kids).
H didn't stand a chance. When she was born, N was still trying to swallow Nerf darts and well, now I had TWO kids to keep up with.
I wanted to do something to preserve the memories so I decided to start a birthday journal for H.
I bought this cute journal and I write in it every year on her birthday. I usually write 4-5 pages, just letting her know what she learned, any momentous events that took place, what her favorite things were that year and funny things that she said during the year.
I also pull it out several times a year and write quotes that I see that remind me of her.
It's become so important to me and a gift to me each year as I read through the whole thing and cry and cry and cry.
Not because I'm sad, because I'm not sad, really.
I guess I cry because of how fast it all happens.
I remember writing that first post like it was yesterday and then I look at her and see all the changes that she's gone through and it doesn't seem possible at all.

The Birthday Journal will be a gift for H when she grows up. I want to wait until she's done moving around and settles down a bit because I know how many important things that I lost during my twenties.
N doesn't have a Birthday Journal (I know!).
I just didn't think that it would mean as much to him but now I'm wondering if I made a mistake.
I'm getting to know him and he is growing into such a wonderful and sentimental kid. His birthday is in February and even though he'll be 9, it's not too late.
Looks like I'll be buying another journal.
:)




My favorite day of the week despite the laundry (see above) and the horrible job I have of forcing my poor kids to PUT. AWAY. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THOSE. TOYS. beforetheydisappearforever!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite day of the week because R usually sets it aside for family. Even if football is on the TV, we're still almost guaranteed a day close to home and together. Even in the summertime, we're together at the cabin on Sundays.
I love the background noise of the kids echoing through the house (even if they're tattling on each other).
I love making bacon and R making omelettes with the kids.
I love baths and clean kids in clean pjs and clean school clothes laid out for the next day.
I love the chaos of having everyone in the house at the same time and making more dirty dishes than I can keep up with. I love the inconvenience of waiting in line to use the one bathroom we have. I love having time to clip fingernails and paint toenails and play dress up with plastic shoes and pom-poms.

Love it. Love it. Love it.
Can't wait until next week.
:)

My tool, the two most disgusting things on the list....and my rock

I've always loved taking pictures. R bought me a 35mm Minolta film camera for one of our earlier anniversaries and I loved it. Right before we had H we bought our first digital. He bought me my backup Canon XT at Christmas of '05 and in November of '06 he bought me the 20D. I hung through '07 without a new camera but managed to add to my arsenal of lenses whenever the credit card was accidentally left within my reach.

I have begged and pleaded with my children to sit for me and let me take just one picture! Please! I'll pay you!
I have paid in excess of $6 for a pouty glare or a fake smile to learn my camera inside and out!
But....but..

More important than learning the technical side of photography, I have also, in my journey, captured things that will mean the world to these kids when they get older.
How many kids, do you suppose, have pictures of themselves fishing with their great grandmother? My bet is...not very many.
Pictures of happier times and sadder times and beautiful and stormy times.
A first bike ride or a dance recital....dirt bikes and wave runners....big fish caught by little people and little fish caught by big people :).

It is absolutely worth every one of the eyerolls that I get whenever I pull my camera out.
Someday they'll understand why I love my camera so much.....




After H was born, I kept eating like I still had another human being growing inside of me (read: A LOT OF FOOD). I quickly ballooned up to a weight that was becoming unhealthy. I couldn't chase N around or even PLAY with him like I wanted to. I was just too heavy. I hated myself and felt judged and guilty when I binged. I was horribly sad and depressed.
Finally at 227 pounds, I'd had enough. I went on Atkins (*insert disclaimer here* which I don't recommend to anyone, it's not the healthy way to lose weight......there).
I lost about 60 pounds in 6 months.
My darling husband, knowing how unhappy I still was, bought me a membership to a health club here in town.
IT. CHANGED. MY. LIFE.
I can't say that loud enough.
The main reason I wanted to go to this particular club is because they offered cardio boxing classes. I went to that first class and was instantly hooked.
I absolutely love to box (although, I've been pretty lax about it lately.....lol), it is a huge aggression release and I have given that vinyl boxing bag the names of various loved ones on many, many mornings.
I reached my goal weight of 147 and have maintained my weight for over two years and I owe it all to these gloves. If I hadn't found something that I loved so much, I don't know if I would have stuck with it.
These gloves are now retired and I don't like my new gloves nearly as much as these. When I dug these up for the photo, I had to put my hand in them just to reminisce and although they felt like home, thank GOODNESS my home doesn't smell like that! Ack!



I could go into the whole LONG story but I won't. Most of you long-timers know what we have pulled away from and how our saga began, what we persevered and what we took with us into our new life.
I will say this, through it all, when it comes down to it, when it really, really matters, he is my rock. He picks me up and he talks me down and he walks the long and steady with me. He works hard. He plays hard. He knows the difference.
And if he knew that I was writing all of this, he'd kill me........isn't that sweet?
:)